Monday, October 18, 2010

Screw You James!!!

That’s right, you heard me!

You’re not gonna beat me this time buddy!

No! I will not fall off the treadmill when it randomly decides to crank the speed up to 12 miles an hour.
**note- when forced, by the threat of treadmill burn and extreme embarrassment, it is possible for me to make my fat ass run at 12 miles an hour for one full minute-and not a millisecond longer**

No! I will not succumb to the Arc machine raising the incline and increasing the intensity, fuck you I am fat, not blind! I will change that shit back!
**Note, it is possible to think "how out of shape am I that I can’t do this exercise ot an intensity of 5 with no incline” for a full 5 minutes before realizing the devil machine has ratcheted you up to a level 20 with an incline of 15**

NO! I will not accept the ridiculous notion that since visiting you I have gained 2 whole pounds- this is an evil pack my scale has clearly made with the devil… shame on you scale, remember the good old days when we were friends? You better remember whose house you live in or you’ll be out the door I tell ya!
**note, no matter how tough you are, or how hard you work, the scale can still make you cry**

Lets see what you’ve got left in your little bag of tricks James… I have my big girl panties on and I will make you my bitch…

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The James

We went to the James last night. (For those of you that don’t know, I call it the James because I don’t feel familiar enough to call it Gym). At the James I came to some realizations about myself. 
I like “going” to the James… as in, “I am going to the James tonight” or “Its been nice talking to you but I have to go, we are going to the James”.  I like thinking about going to the James, how I will burn calories, I will help myself lose weight, I will do, instead of wish I did. 

I also like having gone to the James, “oh, my calves hurt today, I was at the James last night.” (this is reality right now) “Sorry I missed your call I was at the James!”  I like thinking about how what I did will help me; I like knowing that the hurt I feel is a good hurt, it’s productive, it means I might not be this fat for the rest of my life.

I even like being at the James.  “oh Hi there James employee, haven’t seen you in a while” I like watching the machine as it tells me the calories I am currently burning or the distance I have managed to go while staying in one spot.  I like saying to myself “Way to go you! You made it, you are at the James!! You are not home on the couch with a bag of chips feeling sorry for yourself while you watch biggest loser!!”

What I don’t like, I find, is the exercising part. 

You know, that part where the leisurely walk on the treadmill starts to feel…uncomfortable?
Or those few minutes on the arc trainer when I think I might actually die? I don’t enjoy that shit. 

You know that expression “feel the burn”?  Well I feel it, and I want to react exactly the same way I would if I were literally on fire at that exact moment. 

When I “feel the burn” I want to stop drop and roll right there.  Somebody get me a blanket, cover me up, pat me down, and tuck me in.  Personally, I don’t like to be on fire!

My husband the Optimist (hahahahahahahahaha) thinks I’ll enjoy the “burn” once its not so… burn-y.

Of course to get to that point I have to get on an abbreviated name basis with James…   

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I had a weekend-er... thats a weekend- bender, where I ate and drank so much that now I feel like this...

Somebody hand me my fat pants and another drink

Friday, October 01, 2010

Take It Like A Woman

Recently a group of friends were having a conversation, and one said to the other

            “Take it like a Man!”

A woman in the group piped up:

            “You mean Take it like a Woman!”

We chuckled and gave her our attention.  She said, Men change things to make them work the best for them, women suck it up and make do with what they have, the saying SHOULD be Take It Like a Woman!


I love it!!