Monday, October 18, 2010

Screw You James!!!

That’s right, you heard me!

You’re not gonna beat me this time buddy!

No! I will not fall off the treadmill when it randomly decides to crank the speed up to 12 miles an hour.
**note- when forced, by the threat of treadmill burn and extreme embarrassment, it is possible for me to make my fat ass run at 12 miles an hour for one full minute-and not a millisecond longer**

No! I will not succumb to the Arc machine raising the incline and increasing the intensity, fuck you I am fat, not blind! I will change that shit back!
**Note, it is possible to think "how out of shape am I that I can’t do this exercise ot an intensity of 5 with no incline” for a full 5 minutes before realizing the devil machine has ratcheted you up to a level 20 with an incline of 15**

NO! I will not accept the ridiculous notion that since visiting you I have gained 2 whole pounds- this is an evil pack my scale has clearly made with the devil… shame on you scale, remember the good old days when we were friends? You better remember whose house you live in or you’ll be out the door I tell ya!
**note, no matter how tough you are, or how hard you work, the scale can still make you cry**

Lets see what you’ve got left in your little bag of tricks James… I have my big girl panties on and I will make you my bitch…

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The James

We went to the James last night. (For those of you that don’t know, I call it the James because I don’t feel familiar enough to call it Gym). At the James I came to some realizations about myself. 
I like “going” to the James… as in, “I am going to the James tonight” or “Its been nice talking to you but I have to go, we are going to the James”.  I like thinking about going to the James, how I will burn calories, I will help myself lose weight, I will do, instead of wish I did. 

I also like having gone to the James, “oh, my calves hurt today, I was at the James last night.” (this is reality right now) “Sorry I missed your call I was at the James!”  I like thinking about how what I did will help me; I like knowing that the hurt I feel is a good hurt, it’s productive, it means I might not be this fat for the rest of my life.

I even like being at the James.  “oh Hi there James employee, haven’t seen you in a while” I like watching the machine as it tells me the calories I am currently burning or the distance I have managed to go while staying in one spot.  I like saying to myself “Way to go you! You made it, you are at the James!! You are not home on the couch with a bag of chips feeling sorry for yourself while you watch biggest loser!!”

What I don’t like, I find, is the exercising part. 

You know, that part where the leisurely walk on the treadmill starts to feel…uncomfortable?
Or those few minutes on the arc trainer when I think I might actually die? I don’t enjoy that shit. 

You know that expression “feel the burn”?  Well I feel it, and I want to react exactly the same way I would if I were literally on fire at that exact moment. 

When I “feel the burn” I want to stop drop and roll right there.  Somebody get me a blanket, cover me up, pat me down, and tuck me in.  Personally, I don’t like to be on fire!

My husband the Optimist (hahahahahahahahaha) thinks I’ll enjoy the “burn” once its not so… burn-y.

Of course to get to that point I have to get on an abbreviated name basis with James…   

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I had a weekend-er... thats a weekend- bender, where I ate and drank so much that now I feel like this...

Somebody hand me my fat pants and another drink

Friday, October 01, 2010

Take It Like A Woman

Recently a group of friends were having a conversation, and one said to the other

            “Take it like a Man!”

A woman in the group piped up:

            “You mean Take it like a Woman!”

We chuckled and gave her our attention.  She said, Men change things to make them work the best for them, women suck it up and make do with what they have, the saying SHOULD be Take It Like a Woman!


I love it!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Case Of The Mondays

It may look like a dude, but its not.  This is me… right now.  

So bad I’ve taken time to blog you say?

SHUT UP! I say back!

Happy Monday  grrrrrrr

Friday, September 10, 2010

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Stolen Post

I have completely stolen this post.  It is not mine, rather I am posting something that I read that makes me laugh and nod my head every time I read it.  I'm doing it so we can all laugh and nod our heads even if we've read it a hundred times.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12 Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Challenge Accepted!

My Good Friend has Challenged me to post "something happy"

Resisting the urge to type HAPPY and leave it at that I have accepted said challenge:

A Random List of Things that make me smile:


My Dogs when they greet me all excited like when I get home

Major thunder and lightning storms

My husband, every single day

A warm fire on a cold day

A cold Bevvy on a hot day

Stupid people when they do stupid things that do not affect me in any way shape or form


My nephew, especially when he says words with hard T’s in them like waTer, or when he calls me ridiclious Aunty

A clean house (particularly one I did not clean myself)

My fat cat when he hollers at…everything

The sound of rain on a tin roof

Being completely goofy with my sister

Puppies, Kittens… baby fuzzy things in general

Friends who drop by work with tea

My entire family playing a game together or sitting around arguing, laughing, generally just being together

Playing Rockband with good friends when their kids go to bed

Accomplishing a major work project

Feeling wanted versus feeling needed

My Brother in-laws shocked face

Homemade wine … alright, any wine

Having such a large list of things that make me smile and knowing there are more...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hell Week

So it was the second week from hell (yes I’m aware its only Thursday).

Week one was pins and needles time, its getting to that time of the year when my rollercoaster boss is on his down swing.

Then, after a small weekend respite of staying up too late and being bitchy to my husband because I was still stressed and now over tired, I started into week two.

Week Two was watching deadline after deadline slip away and not being able to meet any of them. Why shouldn’t everything that could go wrong go wrong….all at once.

Catch Phrase of the week: “Okay, well I will do that for you/get it fixed” *under breath* Cause I don’t have anything else I need to be doing or anything.

Monday I did well, I was stressed but not completely, I was determined to prevail. I dealt with my stress by going to the gym. Sweat out the stress…apparently this helps.

Tuesday I was a bit more bogged down, feeling bitchy, tired, under-slept and ready to crack. (yes I said under-slept and tired… I was THAT tired) I dealt with my stress by going into a whirlwind at home. I did laundry, tidied bedrooms, did the dishes, made lunches, took out bottles… all done with much banging and crashing and harrumphing of course. I even started on litter boxes but had worked myself up so much at that point that my husband took over for fear I might actually explode… which is a mess no one wants to clean up.

Wednesday came…and it stayed. It was the crux. It was not a hump day it was a mountain. I climbed that fucking thing all damn day and when I finally made it I came crashing down the other side. I caved, I got home bruised and broken and gave up. I dealt with my stress the way I always deal with my stress. I ate damn good fattening food, I drank the last of everything we had in the house (luckily it wasn’t all that much) and I smoked. Yes, I admit it I smoked. I guilted the shit out of myself already for it but at the time I didn’t care. It was a pity party for one and guilt was not invited.

So today is Thursday, the Thursday after my lapse back to self indulgent behavior as a coping method for stress and you know what? I feel great. I didn’t sleep enough, I’m still pushing deadlines but the mountain has been conquered, and the stress demon has been fed its allotment of indulgence.

Basically in a nutshell I’m still fucked the difference is now… I don’t really care!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Email To My Sister

Often I start an Email to my sister and then it ends up being really long, or amusing and I decide to post it. So often (you know back when I posted to the blog) that I thought I should rename it Emails to My Sister. Instead… I will just title them that.

So the time has come to go back to the makeababy doctor.

Well, the time came a few months ago but apparently it is impossible to get there. I call to make an appointment and apparently they are only open between the hours of 2:15am and 4:35am but only on Odd days in the Chinese calendar when the moons of Jupiter are waning.

Or something equally as difficult for a person who rarely remembers to make appointments and feels that when I finally do there should be someone there to answer my call. If I’m working why aren’t they?

So somehow the planets Aligned and I managed to call during business hours.
"Oh, We’re sorry but you haven’t been here in a while you have to get another referral."
What? Why? I was referred, I came, I saw, I did blood work, I took drugs, I took a break and now I have to start all over again?
"Well, when treating a new issue you need to get referred again."
What new issue? It’s the same damn issue? We would like to make a baby…and we can’t no change.
Ya she doesn’t care. All she cares about is getting off the phone with me.

So now I realize that I have to make an appointment with My doctor, to get my doctor to ask the makeababy doctor if I can make an appointment. ~sigh~

So I call my doctor.

Wait… do I need a prescription refill? I think I do. Hmmm, to get that refill I need to get my blood tested. Okay, two birds with one stone here I’ll make the appointment for the referral and the refill and get my blood tested before the appointment good to go!

Hahahaha… no no, FAR too well planned out!!

Appointment made I leave work early to make the blood clinic…and hit every red light between work and the clinic. I arrive 7 minutes after it closes. Not actually so bad really, since I didn’t go and get the blood test form before going. Ok. I will go in the morning before I go to work.

I get up get ready get out and am on my way to the blood clinic by 7:15… without any paperwork. Turn around, go home get the paper go back. Stare at the paper… what the hell is all this shit for? This is supposed to be a simple Thyroid test… this is not the right blood work. Is it? Maybe? I’m not a doctor, I can’t read the Sanskrit and Egyptian symbols they have checked off.

I say screw it and I wait. I wait with 9 other people in front of me one of who has decided that we need to be chatted at. I’m really not sure who she was talking to but she talked… loudly… non…fucking…stop. I could hear her while her blood was being drawn!

But I digress. My number finally gets called, I hand in my paperwork and ask, “is this for thyroid?” No. It’s for Liver. Liver? Oh, right, back before my gallbladder was removed and they needed to check my liver enzyme level-madoohickies.
Soooo a completely useless blood test now.

I tell the lady my dilemma. She looks quite unsympathetic to my plight. I say, if I can’t get my thyroid tested today then my appointment on Friday will be to get another blood form in order to get my blood tested in order to make another appointment to get a prescription and get a referral for another appointment.

She blinks. I smile. She sighs… I look at the clock, I’ve been here for over half an hour… she says… I did NOT do this…and checks off the Thyroid box. (TSH on the Sanskrit blood test sheet for those of you who may need to doctor your own form.)

So one blood test down, one appointment to go in order to wait for the referral to get another appointment.

And so it starts again...

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Why does it rain the night you get to go to the river after being 31 degrees all damn day?

Why are some people so anti-social that I feel like maybe I’m THAT person in the relationship, you know, they’d like to hang out with him but is he bringing her too?

Why do I dress nicely only to sit uncomfortably behind a desk all damn day where no one can see what I’m wearing but I certainly can feel that it’s all too tight?

Why does alcohol taste so good on a hot day and feel so bad the next morning?

Why is it impossible to lose weight just by willing it to go away?

Why, when it is MY blog, do I feel like some extended absence explanation (and future warning) is necessary?

Why does my dog smell like his flesh is rotting off his body despite my attempts at grooming?

Why was that woman so angry that I honked at her that she leapt from her vehicle and offered to “beat your ass you fucking cunt?”

Why, in my 30’s, is it possible to feel so crazy and un-cool and still feel the need to try to impress the cool kids?

Why do I feel compelled to come up with more why’s?