Tuesday, December 15, 2009

WARNING WARNING EXTREME LANGUAGE AHEAD

Oh I had a fucking morning let me tell you!! Some assfuck douchebag cunt face scared the ever loving shit out of me this morning and is all self righteous and indignant about it now and I’m just fucking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuming with impotent rage.

HEY RAGEY!! Get in here!

So I drive to work down a road where at the lights, the road splits into two lanes. One lane is for people to turn right, the other is for people to go straight and turn left. When traffic is backed up, I will drive along in what should be a lane and that eventually turns into the right turning lane at the light. Everyone does this. I’m turning right waaaaaaay up there, why the hell should I wait waaaaaay back here for traffic to go straight or turn left.

So I did that this morning. I eeeked around some people and drove on up, I didn’t go fast, I wasn’t unsafe, just getting to work. I get to the light, and there are two cars in front of me. I look in my rearview and the aforementioned assfuck is barreling down on me. Now it’s minus 36 this morning and tires don’t work so shit hot in minus 36 so I get VERY concerned that assfuck is going to hit me. So I crank my wheels to the right and move forward (hitting the curb) hoping he doesn’t slam into me. He cranks it left and gets stopped. Phew… I think.

Nay nay.

Assfuck leaps out of his vehicle and comes running at my vehicle. You know fight or flight? Ya, well that kicked in right about then and let me tell you people for me its flight all the fucking way!

I don’t know who this douche is or what I did to ruin his fucking morning but I want to get away from him and I want to do it NOW.

Luckily, the light turns green and I start to drive. Not fast enough though and assfuck catches the back of my car and punches my side rear window. So hard, and in minus 36, that I thought it broke. I turn and just drive, Assfuck runs back to his truck and turns behind me.

Now normally I pride myself on being a strong woman. I’m tough, I clearly have a mouth on me, I feel able to verbally defend myself and I’m not exactly a skinny bitch so I do usually pack some intimidation, not that I’m ever in a circumstance to need to intimidate but you know.

Today though, today I crumpled into a ball of tears, whipped out my phone and called the husband shrieking and hyperventilating. “some assfuck is trying to kill me!!!” . Now I’m on the phone with husband, who of course due to my state is VERY concerned. I am driving and Assfuck is still on my tail. He pulls up beside me at a light, his lane moves faster and I think, thank goodness, he’s going away. I need his lane so I pull in behind him. He stops dead at a green light and opens his door again.

I freak out. I scream into the phone and then drive around and right into another red light. I am in the wrong lane to get where I need to go and assfuck is right behind me. I’m hyperventilating explaining to husband the company logo on assfucks vehicle, I’m describing the vehicle and freaking right out.

Green light.

We drive ahead, I turn off into a mall, he keeps going. I calm down…and then decide NUHUHN assfuck!! Suddenly the tough chick in me started to get her head back out of the covers so I follow him until I’m sure he has turned into the business logo I saw on his truck. All the bravado left me then, and I tell husband where assfuck went and then I bitch and moan to husband all the way to my work and say should I call there or what?

Ominous…dark…angry husband voice comes out of my phone and says, “I don’t think that will be necessary… I’ll call you back.”

Unfortunately for Husband and I we are responsible adults and it wasn’t a movie so he did not just walk in the door and beat the ever loving fuck out of the guy…although he really really wanted to, and I really really wanted him to.

He talked to him, and assfuck lied and lied and lied some more. Did you know I almost hit some kids and he was clearly just trying to calmly tap on my window to make me aware of my poor driving? Did you know I romped a curb and drove on it the whole way and assfuck can show you my wheel tracks?

Assfuck I hate you. I don’t want to hate but I hate you and your self righteous lying bullshit. Fuck you for scaring me half to death, fuck you for not realizing that even if I had somehow broke the law, you attempting to “inform” me of that caused you to break even more laws than me. Fuck you for not shaking in your boots and for not realizing that the only thing between your face and my husbands fist was societal conventions.

Fuck you for making me feel impotent rage all day.

4 comments:

  1. Holy fuck!

    Nice morning. Jesus - I'd have more than certainly reported that douche-nozzle... and I don't think my hubby woulda stopped beatin' on him until the cops came and carted his ass off to jail...

    Man - MY heart is in my throat.

    Glad to hear you are okay.

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  2. So let me get this straight, we know what he looks like, what vehicle he drives and where he works? And I'll be there in, like, a week? Fuck this "impotent" shit, just by me a bottle of Jack.

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  3. Thanks guys, get this, husband drove past his house last night. He lives walking distance from us.

    Yes X thats right, now we know where he lives and its very close by...

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  4. GACK!!! Now you are baiting X!!! Walking distance?? Sweetmotherofmary..I thought baiting was illegal?
    This asswipe will get his one day I am sure.
    Glad you are a-ok, well other than pissed off (rightfully)
    *big hugs to you*
    Oh and good god for all of our sanity Don't tell your mother! :)

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